


Light Up The Night

by mariettano



Series: Warm Me Up [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M, M/M, Multi, Self-Esteem Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, lots of background relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-06
Updated: 2015-10-28
Packaged: 2018-02-07 17:06:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1907040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mariettano/pseuds/mariettano
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>basically jean is a depressed loser who's forced to go to Maria Summer Camp where he meets marco , and marco is kinda different from other guys<br/>I suck at descriptions v.v</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. "Real Friends"

**Author's Note:**

> jean and his mom are close , and jean swears a lot v.v

Sleep , eat , exist.

Or don't eat , because I rather not. It was dark in my room/hangout and I just feel like _Jean._ I don't want to be Jean , and I don't want my parents to constantly forcing me to eat dinner with them like I'm not a disappointment. I'm not a trophy child and that's that. I kinda picked at my food and maybe before I would've already choked it down but looking at the empty chair at the dining table refrained me.

They caught me looking at the 'chair' and mom sighed deeply.

mom: _Jeannnn_

me: mom , I'm fine

mom: Jean , Jean , _Jeannnnnn_

She tries to open me up , I shut her out and I ignore the look dad's giving me. I just look at that fucking chair and I ignore my stomach and I ignore my thoughts and I just want it to _stop_. Ignore , breathe and exist. I'm done with the bullshit so I get up and go. My eyes start to water a bit and I throw myself at this stupid bed. I'm trying very hard to disappear , when mom comes in. "Jean , you've left me" she sobs quietly. I just pat the space by my bed and she slips in with me. "Mom , I'm not ... away or anything. I'm right here" I breathe. She kinda holds me after that and laughs , and I laugh too because I think we kinda need it. And right there I forget I'm a depressed fuck-up and I kinda forget about "it".

\-----

Dr.Rose is the lady who gives me pills to help my "unhappy phase". They're total shit but dad thinks I need them. Dad thinks a lot of bullshit , I usually ignore his thoughts and/or opinions. I don't need them. Mom's at a therapy session so it's really just me and him waiting for Dr.Rose.

dad: next year you're going to be a senior

me: nah dipstick

He glares at me before continuing.

dad: you're growing up , start making decisions in life

And after that I kinda ignore his dumbass speech. Also hoping Dr.Rose will hurry the fuck up so I can leave this damn waiting room. And after like 1000 minutes (well more like 10 minutes but whatever) of ignoring my dad give his speech , Dr.Rose came and I jumped out of that puke green chair.

Dr.Rose: Jeannnnn

Thing about Dr.Rose , she doesn't really waste your time. She slipped me the pills and told me she had to have a private conversation with my dad.

Whatever. I was ready to go back home , and stay in my room being a recluse. I hated being out in the real world.

Really the only places I go to after "it" happened are school-which is currently on summer break now- my room and Dr.Rose's clinic. Fuck friends-even though I secretly want one- I don't need any. When my dad left her , I stood and walked ahead to his stupid expensive car.

\-----

Mom and dad didn't force me to eat dinner today , so I voluntarily came to the table. Mom looked at me weird.

me: what?

mom: nothing

Dad whispered in her ear. "Hon." She doesn't really call me anything besides Jean so this 'hon' thing is not flowing with me. "Yeh..." I was playing with my food , refusing to eat any. My 3rd day not eating dinner this week. "Dr.Rose believes you need to socialize with people your own age and being cooped up in the house isn't healthy.."

"Kk , and?" I didn't give a fuck what Dr.Rose thinks. "Your father and I have decided to send you to Maria Summer Camp so you can get some sun and make friends."

me: I have friends

mom: _Real friends._

Fucking summer camp , bite me.

mom: it'll be good for you

me: how come you determine what I do in life?!

dad: calm down

I got up and threw my chair down , then locked myself up in my room. I could hear my mother crying and saying "I miss our baby!"

Yeah , I miss myself too.

 

 


	2. Take One For the Team

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jean's father is just no and ugh Maria

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it took me a while ;-;  
> I suck and im obsessed with supernatural soooo  
> hope you like it ^.^

I know my flip out about Maria made mom really bummed. I don't get why it's so fucking important for me to make friends! I don't need them , and don't want any. I like just lazing around with mom occasionally , and I like being cooped up in my room and I don't fucking need anyone.

Just _fuck_ Maria and this 'summer camp' bullshit.

\--- I'm kinda just staring at the ceiling when dad opens the door. "Hissss." "Jean just stop." He sighs and it feels really heavy and I'm super uncomfortable and _oh dear god he's sitting on the bed. "_ I didn't invite you in dad , you're not being a gentleman _."_ He sighs again and oh my god what the fuck is wrong with my father?

"Jean , you need to stop acting like you're the only one who's sad." What the fuck? "Dad jus-" He fucking scoffs , god aren't you a daisy. I'm glaring hard and he's pissing me off.

"You don't have to be alone just because of what happened with her," _Stop._ "me and your mother are sad too! You're not the only one who's fucking sad and you need to stop being an ass to me and your mom!" _Stop , just leave me alone._ "We moved on Jean! Move. On. The world doesn't stop for you Jean. And it's been a while now Jean."

_"Dad just please."_

"Are you gonna throw a chair at me?"

" **Get out.** "

So he just gets up, and leaves. And I don't go to the dinner table.

\---

Dr. Mother-of-fuck Rose.

I think I might accidently slit her throat , but I think she secretly knows she's the only one I can tolerate in this stupid clinic.

"Jeannn heyyyy , I got your meds kid. How ya feelin?"

"Just fucking peachy."

"Ahhh , great smells like teen spirit. So about Maria." She looks at dad and he rushes out , saying he'll wait in the car.

me: no

dr. rose: and why not?

Ugh.

me: cause just no rosie

"Did you know your mom added more time to her therapy sessions? She's constantly crying and you know it! She told me about the hissy-fit yah know."

"God , why do I need to go to Maria?!"

"Your mom's worried about you, staying in the dark can only help for so long." She drags out her sigh. "Nobody in the world deserves to be alone."

I can't even look at her , just at the oh-so-interesting ground. Hey I didn't notice that little speck of brown right there or-

"Reconsider your decision about Maria , take one for the team Jeannn."

And that's exactly what I'll do.

\---

Mom's crying on the couch when we get home-I'm not really sure if it was because Titanic was or-and I sit next to her and lay my head in her lap.

me: how was therapy?

mom: Erwin is getting married soon , and his wife freaking out about the ceremony was all he talked about

me: he's marrying Sarah? man she's awesome

mom: yeah she's 'radical'

We're just laughing now and I like hearing her laugh. I gotta go to Maria , I guess.

Ugh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I might've said he was going to Maria this chapter , but I changed my mind  
> sorrrrrryyy , I really am but definitely next chapter  
> I swearrr it  
> marco awaits you ^.^


	3. Vitamin D

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean should just be a vampire  
> A really hot one  
> That neighs

It was hot. And bright. And why am I here?

 My mom smiled brightly while I slouched in the passenger seat and whined. 

"Mom, I'm surely gonna die here."

She looked at me quickly and was all radiant and happy. To see me go to a  _fuckin' summer camp._  It all felt like a waste. 

"Jean I just wanna see you smile again. And you're  so pale and skinny, maybe you should join the baseball team again at your school."

I tried to muster up the fakest smile I could produce but it didn't work, my face wasn't working right. She just sighed and kissed me on the cheek. 

"Get out my car Edward." 

\---

 Maria was hell and I was only there for like 5 minutes. It was orientation day and there was swarms of teenagers around my age. I felt like passing out in the sea of sound. The sun made layers of sweat build up on my skin and I felt so uncomfortable.

I walked around, kicking up the dirt looking for the registration when I bumped into something. _Hard._

_"_ Ow fuck." I moaned as I sat stupidly on the ground.

A figure rushed towards me.

"Ohh I'm so sorry I didn't see you and-" His rambled.

He had a nice voice, flowy and calm. I forgot about being knocked down and turned towards him.

**Oh. My. God.**

His skin was a contrast to mine. Sun-kissed and covered in dark freckles. They were like constellations in a galaxy. While he had soft brown doe eyes that had a look of worry in them. Even his hair was nice and a really dark brown.  **  
**

He looked so warm and I felt so cold. 

I stared at him for a really long time until he held out his hand. And of course I gladly took it. Wow even his hand was soft. Why am I not surprised?

"I'm Marco and I'm one of the camp helpers."

I noticed his neon orange CAMP MARIA T-shirt. Even the shirts were too damn bright.

"I'm Jean and I'm looking for registration so I could be assigned a cabin." I said.

He grabbed my hand and smiled. He was a ball of sunshine and I mentally hissed inside. Maybe my mom was right. Maybe I needed this. Maybe I needed a Marco. And I let myself be pulled towards my destination.

\---

Nope. Fuck this my mom was wrong. I got assigned to Cabin 9 Section Rose and I couldn't stand anyone there. Especially Eren. 

I tried to set up my bed when I heard him rambling about justice this world "needs". A crowd surrounded him and listened to his stupid stories about his dad who's in the military.

"I got to shoot his gun and everything it was great, I'm gonna join the army too." he crowed.

"No one gives a shit about you holding a gun. And who made you Jesus?" I intervened.

Maybe I just was jealous. Cause I was raining on his dumbass parade.

He looked at me with his fierce and fiery teal eyes. His face set into a hardened scowl. 

"I don't think I was talking to you, horse boy."

All the boys laughed and chuckled until they saw my bitch face.

"Wake up and smell the burning coffee, Yeager."

He got up angrily.

"You can't tell me what I can't do, **what are you?** Jesus?"

 I huffed and we all made our way to the dining hall. All the tables were made out of dark mahogany wood and it was lively in the hot and cramped cafeteria. The food wasn't that bad and while I stared at the beautiful girl sitting next to that bastard Eren, I didn't notice that someone sat next to me. 

"You seemed lonely."

I turned to see Marco, in a plain white T-shirt and still wearing a smile. 

"I was okay." I said quietly, staring at the freckles on his arms. 

"Oh... " He got up to leave. 

I quickly grabbed his arm. 

"Please stay."

He smiled brightly and giggled like a cute little school girl. And maybe I smiled. 

A little. 

Like a microscopic smirk. 

Marco's doing this to me. 

"We should be friends." He said cheerily. 

I internally sighed. I wanted to just get over this by myself, no friendships. But this is Marco, the fucking Freckled Jesus. How could I say no to such a burning and pure personality? The answer is, I couldn't. 

"The bestest friends."

Then we spent dinner talking about Camp Maria. 

\---

"Every orientation, we have a huge bonfire, just to get to know the newbies." Sasha-one of Marco's best friends- said while inhaling a potato. 

"Yeah man, it's really fun." Connie-another best friend- interjected while staring at Sasha and patting her back.

"Umm."

I really just wanted to stay in the cabin and be by myself. I would have to surround myself with people.

Ugh. But if it's with Marco, I could bear it for an hour tops.

\---

Marco pulled me to the huge hippie circle that had a shit ton of people sitting around the flickering flames. I saw that huge guy with blonde hair standing near the fire with the guy who sweats alot. It was nice and not too loud and Marco was still holding my hand, making me blush and accidentally squealed.

 And Jean Kirstein doesn't blush. 

Or squeal. I needa go home Asap.

I haven't even thought of my... 

Oh yeah. This is reality, not a dream. She's still... she's still.. 

I let go of Marco's hand and ran as fast as I could, ignoring his chants as tears slowly ran down my face. 

I can't do this. I can't. 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually got bored and wrote like a MONSTER CHAPTER and I added the bae Marco so yas  
> I did it after one million years but after I saw how many hits there was on this it made me smile so
> 
> Thank you 


	4. Float On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "No one wants you when you have no heart and, I'm sitting pretty in my brand new scars." - Panic at the Disco

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JEAN pls

_I was in front of the Baptist Church by my old house, stained glass scattered the floor._

_My breath came out in sharp gasps and I grabbed tightly to the glass in fear._

_"Jean." the calming voice washed over me._

_I tried to squirm out of my confinement, but it only became smaller. My sides burned and my lungs were like they were on fire. I heeved painfully._

_"Jean Jean Jean." it beckoned._

_I kicked and screamed silently, just to be wrapped up even more. I couldn't breathe, my legs were covered in scrapes and my pants were soaked in blood._

_"Jean please."_

_Loud noises were clouding my thoughts and moving was impossible, I cried pathetically._

_"I'm sorry."_

_\---_

"AHHHH FUCKING SHIT!"

Connie's face was 3 centimeters from mine. I threw him off while he wheezed out puffs of laughter. 

"AHAHAHAH time to giddy up horsey HAHA!" His face turned completely red while spit flew everywhere.

I rubbed my eyes tiredly. "Gah, I don't have time for your bullshit so early."

I rolled out of bed and skidded out of my room before I heard one more fucking neigh.

_I thought I let go of those nightmares, it's been so lo-_

"Damn Yeager you clumsy fucking shi- oh hi."

Marco's doe eyes looked down at me with concern.

"Are you okay?" He kindly held out his hand.

I fought down a blush and quickly grabbed his hand. 

"Thanks." I whispered into his chest and pulled away. 

"I think I'm okay." 

"Well I'll walk you to the bathroom, just so you don't walk into a pole, or Eren." he giggled.

LIKE A JAPANESE SCHOOL GIRL UGH ADORABLE. 

We walked slowly to the bathrooms and I was pissed at myself. I avoided him for a WEEK (I would look at his backside shamelessly) but now, I got to face what happened. 

I sighed. 

"I'm sorry about last week, I bet orientation was great."

"I thought you hated me, or I did something wrong." He pouted. 

The millions of cow licks in his hair made it even more cute, I might die.

I turned to him and grabbed his hand. 

_Nohomonohomonohomo._

"I could never hate Marco Bodt."

The way his eyes sparkled, made it all worthwhile. 

\---

"I wonder what it's like to be a potato." Sasha stared at the potato inquisitively. 

"Hot, and lots of sadness cause they can't eat themselves." Connie said seriously. 

"Fucking soulmates right there." I told Marco.

He laughed. "Totally."

Ymir, a tall, tanned and freckled scary bitch with a warped sense of humor walked to our table. Her tag-a-long girlfriend Christa was behind her. 

Christa was like a golden angel. Her beautiful blonde hair shone in the light, her crystal blue eyes were like jewels and her personality was kind and gentle. She was like wow.

Ymir picked up the potato and bit it. 

She smirked. "Poor potato."

Sasha looked at her, then launched herself at Ymir.

"POTATO NOOO!"

Connie held her back. "HE WAS A BRAVE SOLIDER!"

"NO ONE CARES." Ymir yelled. 

Christa stood in the middle like a lost puppy. 

"Potayto potahto." I said. 

Everyone stared at me. 

"Potato didn't get murdered for this." Sasha said.

\---

I sat in the rec room sweating out my yellow CAMP MARIA tee talking to my mom. 

Mom: Jean i miss my baby 

Jean: you sent me too this hell

Mom: but it took you a week to call, and you're not whining, Dr. Rose is proud 

Jean: i don't care about Dr. Rose tho

Mom: Sureeee 

Jean: ergh mom i gotta go

Mom: Love yaaaaaaa 

Jean: Yeah tell dad i said bye

Mom: *in the background* JEAN SAYS HI 

Jean: ugh I hate you bye 

Just as I hang up, I see Marco sit next to me. He's stared at the multiple Hot Topic bracelets on my wrist, and I felt exposed. 

"I miss my mom too." He said. 

"Hahah, time away from her is killing me." I chuckled softly. 

"I also have a brother, his name is Chase. He's only 5 years old." Marco smiled to himself.

"What about your dad?" I asked. 

His smile immediately disappeared. "Died from lung cancer when I was 14."

"I know how that feels." I whispered and held his hand.

He looked at me with appreciation in his eyes. 

\---

I just wanna Lone Wolf my time at Camp Maria, but everyone here are like fucking magnets, EXCEPT YEAGER HE'S STILL PISSING ME OFF. 

Anyway, I currently held the pocket knife I found around the canoes close to my wrist. I looked out at the shimmering lake from my place on the port. I hope it would wash away my sorrow by letting me drown, or will it be stubborn and let me float. I sighed, it's been so long since I've cut, ever since my mom found out she doesn't even buy shaving razors anymore. 

I thought of Marco while I slowly dragged the blade across my wrist. The sting of the fresh and bleeding cut made me feel alive. I smiled, this is what Dr. Rose should be prescribing me. Not anti-depressants that don't even work. Who even made that crazy woman a doctor?!? 

I felt like someone was watching, and I turned to see Marco and Connie. 

Marco was wearing his pajamas and trying to rub the sleep out of his eyes. Connie was hyper as fucking usual in a Batman onesie. I became aware of my exposed wrist and quickly covered it.

"Really Connie? A onesie?" I chuckled. 

"Heyyyy it was a gift from Sasha, she has one too." He smiled. 

"Anyway your boyfriend over here wanted to show you the coolest spot in Camp Maria." Connie said.

Marco blushed and his eyes widened. "Connie!"

"Hahahah come on follow us."

I got up and quickly slipped on my bracelets. Marco stared at my arm silently. 

\---

After walking halfway across camp, I thought I was gonna pass out. I was sweating through my old band T-shirt (from my scene kid phase, I just sleep in it now) and finally we stopped in front of a pile of leaves.

"Wow, so cool, I'm impressed." I said sarcastically.

"Hold on." Connie and Marco started kicking away the pile to reveal a huge hole with a ladder in it. 

Connie started climbing down the ladder. 

"I've worked at Camp Maria for like 2 summers for Marco to show me his spots. You must be special Bucko." Connie said when I landed into the pit. 

4 hand made shelves were decked with different kinds of soda, comfortable bean bag chairs laid in the middle of the room, a pool table was off to the side, and a huge snack cache were inside hand made cabinets. I sat down in a purple bean bag chair and Marco tossed me a Pepsi.

"This place is awesome." I said in amazement. 

"It took a while to complete, but I'm proud of it." Marco said while sipping a Cola. 

I looked at the chili Christmas lights that gave the room light and forgot about the knife in my pocket. I didn't even realize that Marco was staring at my wrist the whole time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't update in forever, cause I thought this story wasn't good for some reason, but I'm determined to keep writing it even if it's not that great


	5. Panic! at the Campsite

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to make a p!atd reference so bad omz

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *my best friend Hail is my motivation to keep this going, hail y*

 I didn't want Marco's bubbley laughter to stop, but I'm pretty sure I can live without Connie's annoying  _neighing._  

 "I do not look like a damn horse!" I said in frustration. Connie turned red, weezing out puffs of laughter, spilling Pepsi on the dirt. Marco joined in, giggling softly.His smile peeked through, showing his bright white teeth.

   Marco Bodt will be the death of me. 

I hid my burning cheeks in my shirt, laughing quietly. It had been a while since I actually had fun, actually hung out with people who weren't my mom or Dr.Rose. It felt good, but of course I had to fuck it up, and started panicking. 

 My breathing became choppy and ragged, and my skin turned unnaturally pale. I could feel my chest restricting, fighting to exhale. I gasped desperately, looking for somewhere to balance myself. I couldn't calm down and sweat beads dripped down my face. 

 Marco heard my weezing and loud gasps for air and ditched his Coke, rushing to my side. 

"Jean!" he said worriedly. 

 Connie stood silently, like trying to register the scene playing before him, before he rushed to help Marco. 

 I can't, I felt lightheaded, and I thought of the last time this happened to me. 

\---

  _The place was crawling with people, making the building stuffy and hot. I loosened the black tie that felt like a noose on my neck, trying to remember half of the people there. I felt like crying, breaking down, but I kept my cool composure. My face was stony and blank of emotion as I looked at the ebony wood, I dared to get closer and felt a swell of rage._

_"I can't do this Amanda, you fucking know I can't!" I could feel anger as I spat out the words quietly at her. She didn't reply and I was pissed off. "Fuck! This isn't what you would want... " All the black suits and dresses dampened Amanda's sunny mood. It didn't fit, it just all felt so wrong, like it wasn't for Amanda. I reached my hand out to touch her but felt hot tears rush down my face. I was struggling to catch my breath through the sobs raking my body._

_My breathing started to become shallow and I felt hollowed out. My heart beated hard and my chest hurt. I kept staring at her and trying to breathe, the people around me were probably looking at my meltdown. I could feel my father shaking his head in disapproval. If only I could remind myself to fucking breathe._

_Breathe Jean, calm down, but it only got worse and mom rushed to my side. My legs wobbled and my hands shook._

_"Jean."_

_I felt like I was going to combust. I hid my face in humiliation on my mom's shoulder, and cried harder, like I was a four year old again._

\---

 Marco towered over me with a look of concern etched in his face. It didn't match with the softness of his cheeks, and he was cute when he smiled. 

 Wait,  _nohomonohomo._ Now, Marco Bodt is notttt cute. 

 Ugh. I'm lying, he's like a puppy, sighh. 

 "Are you okay? You were out for a long time." his voice was filled with worry, it had been a long time since someone was concerned about me and it threw me off. 

 I turned my face away so I wasn't staring at his doe eyes. 

 "I'm fine. It happens, rarely, but thanks to you I don't feel too bad." I smiled and saw his eyes sparkle. 

 "Really!?" he said cheerily. 

 "Yeah man." the urge to kiss him then was strong, but I pushed it down. 

 Suddenly he opened his arms and wrapped them around me, squeezing me tightly. My eyes widened in shock as his burst of warmth engulfed me. He started laughing and whispering about how happy he was that I was alright. 

 Connie jumped down into the pit with Sasha trailing behind him. 

 "Awwww, I totally thought he was gonna be dead, you lied Connie!" Sasha pouted in a joking manner.  

 Connie started to weeze/spit/cough or the thing he called a laugh, and we all joined in. 

 Seriously, this should be in a picture frame, because it was my favorite memory at Camp Maria. 

 


End file.
